1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
