You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
