So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
