Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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