I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
