im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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