Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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