my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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