college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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