My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
