and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
