I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
