my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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