Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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