Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
