if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
