omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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