Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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