What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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