WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize