I need to stop coming to work sober
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
