Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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