cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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