Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
