Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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