Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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