Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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