I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
