my mouth tastes like poor choices
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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