Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
