I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
