You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
