If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
