I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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