I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
