we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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