Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize