I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
