There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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