You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I looked at my own cervix.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
