I think i sorta joined a cult last night
babies were throwing up all over the place
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
