Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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