So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
