Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize