I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he thought i was a dude.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
