good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
