you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
