my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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