I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
