Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
