On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
