Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
