There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
