Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
