i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Gay?
German.
Pity.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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