how can u be prego again
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
