Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
