So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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