I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
