I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
