why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
