Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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