you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
drinking out of a sandbucket again
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
