Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
