seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
