Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize