He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
