Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
