clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My Sexting was not on an AP level
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
