Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
