I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
